The Night Before

Thank you to everyone for your phonecalls and emails and facebook posts and texts wishing me luck, sending me hugs, sending me love, praying for me and my family. I do not take those prayers lightly, nor the love, nor any of it.  Cheering a person on really does a world of good for them and I hope I will always remember to cheer on those I know and love who are undertaking new things, be they life-changing or not. 

I think often we feel it's too nosy to become involved in other people's business. But if you know about their business somehow already, it's likely you're not the only one, and that person could probably use a boost. It's so easy to say something like, "Hey, I've heard you're going through something hard and I'm rooting for you". So simple. 

So, "The Night Before" it is! I truly wasn't sure this day would ever come. I am to be admitted tomorrow, get a port or Hickman line in my chest and then Wednesday start chemotherapy treatment. I'd be lying if I said I'm not scared. It's a roller coaster in there, and not a Kiddieland roller coaster but more like a Six-Flags roller coaster. The ones most adults prefer not to go on. And then there's the anxiety about the whole thing working. It's got to work. I'm so excited about my donor. I can't wait to meet her. She's the coolest person in the world. 

Tomorrow Isaac goes back to London. He and Tracy will take me to hospital and hang out a bit and then Tracy will take Isaac to JFK. Tracy is a Goddess. She's a class act and a true role model. She's like so many of my friends. I learn from them every day. How to be a little bit more available, a little bit kinder, more helpful, loving. Present. I love to see how different people do this. Everyone in their own way. Everyone's unique in how they express love, and how they've decided what kind of person they want to be. 

Allison arrives on Monday and I will keep my eyes cast in that direction.  While I've been with Isaac I've found myself, a number of times, wishing I could stop time.  I totally get Jim Croce's song now (Time in a Bottle), sorry if that now gets stuck in your head. But I get it. And then as soon as my treatment starts tomorrow I want time to go fast fast fast!! 

 I was speaking with Dee on the phone tonight and she was reminding me that I have to be my own advocate, especially because there are days when I'll be on my own in the hospital. She reminded me of a time, this last round, where I asked to stop taking a certain anti-biotic because it was giving me back pain. So they took me off it. Switched me to something else. And I was fine. Now, I have NO recollection of this! None. These hospital sessions become these giant forget sessions. I'm sure I've blocked out so much. But I'm glad to know in my unconscious stupor that I was able to advocate for myself. That's a good thing. Marty's nurse Maggie today told me that while I'm in the hospital I need to tell the nurses everything. Any change in anything and I need to tell them. I'm pretty sure I can do that. 
And I will take the whole thing one day at a time. Starting tomorrow...