Fifty was not the party I thought it would be. I'm still eyeing a party, but not right now. So all the "sick" ended me up in the hospital for two nights over my 50th birthday. Rats!! Severely dehydrated and then with this intense allergic skin reaction to the antibiotic they put me on. I feel like I'm the person who should always buy trip insurance. We did get to have a really nice holiday together as a family though. We cancelled going to Seville, so that remains on the bucket list. But we did get to climb around southern Portugal for a week. Basically exploring beaches and eating. I think there's nothing I like better than seeing my kids, any kids!, running around outside, wind blowing through their hair. Of course mine also throw sand at each other (and me) and squirt each other (and me) at point blank with water guns.
Next trip, we decided, no electronics come along. It's such a battle. Mommy vrs. the iPad. And I am so much the loser. Even if I win, I'm the loser. I'm like the bad guy. I've never really been the bad guy before, so it's kind of interesting. I swear (now I could be projecting), that when they turn the things off, there's a sense of relief. Am I fooling myself? And believe me, I feel silly when they ask, "Then what should we do?" and I say, "Just look out the window!" At least I don't say things like, "I looked out the window when I was little and I'm fine..." Because honestly, it can get boring, driving around, looking at yet another lush green hill coooooovered with deeply rich colored wildflowers, while you're on your way to the beach. Ho hum.
I'm really just kidding. I treasure these time with my family. They're rare. And it's always hard when Andy goes back to work. If feel there's still so much healing to do. Just inside this precious little family. I can tell the kids are still nervous about me. Andy too. He'll give me an extra long hug and I just know. It's been so tough. I'm sure the kids still wonder, am I staying? Am I going? Why am I sleeping late? (By the way, I have been loving sleeping lately!) Really it's just one day at a time. I have my freak out moments still too. If I get a red dot on my arm, the world comes crashing down and Andy has to talk me down off the rafters, yet again.
But honestly I know in my heart we will heal from this crazy upheaval. This life changing event called Leukemia, called Transplant. Andy and I did yoga outside in the early morning sun the other day. It was so fantastic. I could feel my body moving on from being beat up twelve ways from Sunday. Just moving on. It's not something I can push. I just have to listen to what I need. So, I might sleep, but I ain't going anywhere kids. Maybe that's the re-start.
