Just woke up! It's midnight and I'm starving and just had some eggplant parmasen. Today had the wackiest bouts of gains and losses in energy. Up early, did some errands. Took a Benedryl for my rashy face and had lunch with Arpine. Then came home, and took a nap. Got up and started cleaning and unpacking and totally lost energy again and took a nap and just woke up! And I feel like I could probably go to sleep again.
I sorta went with the flow today, which is a good thing, because when I go home, mommies don't really get to go with the flow. Not their own flow anyway. Not when your kids are little. This is my first "go with the flow" in 12 years. So, I'm really trying to take advantage of it. But it feels weird.
What will it be like to go back to full-time mommy again? Will my kids take me seriously? I actually feel like I'm going to have to regain some authority. I've started reading parenting books again...
So, about the rashy face. Giralt says it's a good thing. He's pretty sure it's Graft vs Host Disease. (GVHD). This is something you want a little of after a transplant. It's the new cells attacking my cells, seeing my skin at foreign. That means that they are fighters and they would attack any Leukemia if it were there (but it isn't, so that's good too). Too much GVHD is a bummer because it could really attack, like your organs, and really make you sick. But luckily I seem to have this controlable amount, and most people think I just have these rosy cheeks...
So, in a way, I'm waiting to see how the GVHD pans out, waiting to see how my lack of authority at home pans out and just plainly waiting to go home. I wish I could take all my friends here home with me. Leaving them will be hard. It all feels like Limbo Land. But... in reality, is it? Not when you take each day at a time, right? I'm pretty much forced to do that here arent I? Am I going to spend these precious days, that everyone says I fought so hard for, worrying about these things? Probably. But I'm going to try really hard to just stay in the moment. Give myself gentle reminders about it. Just doing what I'm doing right now and breathing. Oh yeah, breathing. I forgot about that. Good reminder...
Friday 30 November 2012
Wednesday 28 November 2012
And Now For The Good News
Dr. Giralt gave me the OK to go home! He stuck to his offer of "before the holidays". He had a big smile on his face and shook my hand. And I'm on hold with Delta right now booking my flight for the 23rd. I already have the shakes from the medicine I'm taking, but now I have the double shakes! Excited, relieved, and nervous. So nervous to leave my doctors here. Am I overly in awe and grateful for them? I'm like a devotee!
Tuesday 27 November 2012
Wednesday 21 November 2012
Day 60
Wow. Yesterday was day 60. I'm starting to be able to delineate between past present and future. I feel so much less anxiety since my family arrived. It was such a giant relief when they walked through the door. I think for all of us. I could tell Ari was hugely relieved to see that mommy really was in NY while he went on with things in London. That people exist in different places. Isaac I could tell was just at a huge deficit for hugs. Has needed lots of them (my pleasure). Andy's had a content smile on his face. I think it's just our all being together...
Everyone says I'm doing well and looking good. I take that. It's hard to embrace at times because of how I feel, still so weak, and shaky from one of the drugs I'm taking. Tremors in my hands. But I think compared to how I did look and seem before, this is a lot better.
Dr. Giralt said he might try to get me home before the holidays! I thought that was amazing. But I'm not going to depend on it too much because he doesn't always stick to what he says . But the idea of it is great.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving. We're going to spend it with Tracy and her family. It's a thankful day, for sure. I feel so thankful to my donor. I hope she's going to have a beautiful day tomorrow, surrounded by family, or great friends, or both. I hope she feels my appreciation and my love.
Yesterday Ari asked me, "mom, what happened? Why'd you get sick?" And I said, "I don't know why. It just happened." And he asked, "but way back in the beginning, in Chicago, what happened?"
I answered, "the thing in my body that makes blood just started doing it wrong. So I had to get it fixed." And he said, suspiciously and said, "that's exactly what daddy said. Exactly!" Like we're in cahoots and that's not a good enough answer. Then he asked if it's ever going to happen again, and I said, "No, it's not". It makes no sense for me to think in any other way. I feel so confident in this process and those new cells, and the fact that I'm meant to be with my family a long long time.
Everyone says I'm doing well and looking good. I take that. It's hard to embrace at times because of how I feel, still so weak, and shaky from one of the drugs I'm taking. Tremors in my hands. But I think compared to how I did look and seem before, this is a lot better.
Dr. Giralt said he might try to get me home before the holidays! I thought that was amazing. But I'm not going to depend on it too much because he doesn't always stick to what he says . But the idea of it is great.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving. We're going to spend it with Tracy and her family. It's a thankful day, for sure. I feel so thankful to my donor. I hope she's going to have a beautiful day tomorrow, surrounded by family, or great friends, or both. I hope she feels my appreciation and my love.
Yesterday Ari asked me, "mom, what happened? Why'd you get sick?" And I said, "I don't know why. It just happened." And he asked, "but way back in the beginning, in Chicago, what happened?"
I answered, "the thing in my body that makes blood just started doing it wrong. So I had to get it fixed." And he said, suspiciously and said, "that's exactly what daddy said. Exactly!" Like we're in cahoots and that's not a good enough answer. Then he asked if it's ever going to happen again, and I said, "No, it's not". It makes no sense for me to think in any other way. I feel so confident in this process and those new cells, and the fact that I'm meant to be with my family a long long time.
Sunday 18 November 2012
Time
I've kind of spent the last two weeks holeing up. Very stuck to the bed and sleeping. Last week I had 3 good days and three bad days. Mostly tired and tummy aches. I slept a lot. Luckily I had friends who came by and my step-mom who spent the day, to get me up and out. Walking about. Other I think I could have slept all day and all night. Very attached to the bed.
I was also counting the minutes till the kids and Andy came. I just wanted time to go by, to go fast. And now that they're here I want time to stand still!!! They arrived and 9:00pm to Tracy's front door and nothing has ever felt so right. To have them in my arms. to play with them. to put them to bed. They even let me cuddle with them at the same time! I LOVE that.
Grown. They have both grown. Ari is tall and Isaac has muscles! They're still very funny and silly and kind. I felt a huge relief in Ari when he saw me and hugged me for the first time. Like he wasn't sure it was really going to be true, or that mommy was going to really be the mommy he rememebered. They both hated my new wig. Oh well. I got it on friday on a whim. All the grown ups I know like it. It's probably too brown for the kids. They know me mostly with long blond hair. but since this chemo fiasco, i think I've lost my hair probably 8 times! So in between I've had ALL hair. Short brown, short blond, really short, short and curly, longish and curly, and brown. So the wig is brown and layery and above my shoulders with a bit of fringe. It's not horrible. It's not the real human hair one becuase they are extremely expensive and this is temporary. But it still wasn't cheap. Almost $600!! that's the cheap one! and in time mine will grow back. In time.
I'd like to put this week into a time capsule. A slow motion, enjoyable, ride through time and space that elongates my time with them so that there;s no chance to missing a moment. So that they're time to appreciate it all.
they're on terrible jet lag, It always seems to happen that they come here, it's already that it's five hours later for them, and they end up goofing around and staying late even for NY. They feel asleep at 11:00 tonight. That's 4:00am for them. That's crazy. We all said we would wake up at 9:00 tomorrow. Let's see how that goes. Time...
I was also counting the minutes till the kids and Andy came. I just wanted time to go by, to go fast. And now that they're here I want time to stand still!!! They arrived and 9:00pm to Tracy's front door and nothing has ever felt so right. To have them in my arms. to play with them. to put them to bed. They even let me cuddle with them at the same time! I LOVE that.
Grown. They have both grown. Ari is tall and Isaac has muscles! They're still very funny and silly and kind. I felt a huge relief in Ari when he saw me and hugged me for the first time. Like he wasn't sure it was really going to be true, or that mommy was going to really be the mommy he rememebered. They both hated my new wig. Oh well. I got it on friday on a whim. All the grown ups I know like it. It's probably too brown for the kids. They know me mostly with long blond hair. but since this chemo fiasco, i think I've lost my hair probably 8 times! So in between I've had ALL hair. Short brown, short blond, really short, short and curly, longish and curly, and brown. So the wig is brown and layery and above my shoulders with a bit of fringe. It's not horrible. It's not the real human hair one becuase they are extremely expensive and this is temporary. But it still wasn't cheap. Almost $600!! that's the cheap one! and in time mine will grow back. In time.
I'd like to put this week into a time capsule. A slow motion, enjoyable, ride through time and space that elongates my time with them so that there;s no chance to missing a moment. So that they're time to appreciate it all.
they're on terrible jet lag, It always seems to happen that they come here, it's already that it's five hours later for them, and they end up goofing around and staying late even for NY. They feel asleep at 11:00 tonight. That's 4:00am for them. That's crazy. We all said we would wake up at 9:00 tomorrow. Let's see how that goes. Time...
Wednesday 14 November 2012
Better Energy?
I think my energy has been better. It's been so erratic I don't really want to say anything about it incrementally moving forward, but it seems like it is. I've done some good walking around and really have only needed one nap, not two. And Leslie gave me a massage today and I actually felt like maybe I had some muscles. It wasn't like I was a ragdoll where she could do whatever she wanted to me and I would hardly feel it. Today when she went into the muscles in my legs it hurt a bit! Yay for it hurting a bit? Yes, yay.
Last night I spent on my own. I went food shopping at the healthfood store and made myself dinner too. The best part of it being sauteed kale with Annie's Goddess dressing. Yum. I'm sure if polled, the world majority would not come down on the side of "Yum" to that dinner... But I have to say I was proud to have made it. It felt so good to take care of myself. Then I went straight to bed...
Dr. Giralt is taking me further down off the Prednisone. On Friday I'll be down to 25mg. That's a lot down from the 60mg I started at. I do have tremors in my hands. Pretty shakey. I could never eat sushi gracefully now. Luckily I can't have it anyway. I wonder when I can have sushi again? A year? Hmmm. Also, I don't spontaneously bust and cry for no apparent reason anymore. I just cry because I miss my kids or I'll get this weird feeling of trauma come over me and have to shed a few tears...
Although today I cried because I'm so tired of being bald. It's cold, and it's hard to find cute hats and wigs are so unbelieveably uncomfortable. It's an identity crisis. Men walk around bald. No biggy. For women, it's just too much of a statement I feel like making right now. At this point I don't remember my transplant, much less make a statement about it. It seems the further out I'm getting, the less I remember. I remember the round of chemo I did with Marty before the transplant chemo. But after that it's a blank. I remember friends visiting. I remember being stuck in the room because of Rhino Virus. I think I was in the hospital close to 6weeks. I don't even want to go back and count. And the more people mention what an incredibly hard run I had of it, the more I don't remember... It's a little freaky having blocked memory. It's a good question for the doctor. Will my brain come back like the rest of my body is expecting too? Do I want to remember this? I guess I could go back and read my own blog... But i can't say I feel ready to do that...
Last night I spent on my own. I went food shopping at the healthfood store and made myself dinner too. The best part of it being sauteed kale with Annie's Goddess dressing. Yum. I'm sure if polled, the world majority would not come down on the side of "Yum" to that dinner... But I have to say I was proud to have made it. It felt so good to take care of myself. Then I went straight to bed...
Dr. Giralt is taking me further down off the Prednisone. On Friday I'll be down to 25mg. That's a lot down from the 60mg I started at. I do have tremors in my hands. Pretty shakey. I could never eat sushi gracefully now. Luckily I can't have it anyway. I wonder when I can have sushi again? A year? Hmmm. Also, I don't spontaneously bust and cry for no apparent reason anymore. I just cry because I miss my kids or I'll get this weird feeling of trauma come over me and have to shed a few tears...
Although today I cried because I'm so tired of being bald. It's cold, and it's hard to find cute hats and wigs are so unbelieveably uncomfortable. It's an identity crisis. Men walk around bald. No biggy. For women, it's just too much of a statement I feel like making right now. At this point I don't remember my transplant, much less make a statement about it. It seems the further out I'm getting, the less I remember. I remember the round of chemo I did with Marty before the transplant chemo. But after that it's a blank. I remember friends visiting. I remember being stuck in the room because of Rhino Virus. I think I was in the hospital close to 6weeks. I don't even want to go back and count. And the more people mention what an incredibly hard run I had of it, the more I don't remember... It's a little freaky having blocked memory. It's a good question for the doctor. Will my brain come back like the rest of my body is expecting too? Do I want to remember this? I guess I could go back and read my own blog... But i can't say I feel ready to do that...
Sunday 11 November 2012
Day 51
I'm a bit dumb-founded I think. It's hard to describe. I couldn't sleep last night. Wanted to try to do it without any sleep aids and ended up awake all night. I figured I could try to sleep on my own because the most anxiety-ridden weights have been taken off my shoulders. But I still bounced around the bed feeling all anxious. I took an Attivan at 8:15 this morning and slept for three hours then. Once again I find myself on California time :-)
You'd think I'd be totally elated all the time considering the great news we got. But my emotions are still all over the place. The doctor reduced the prednisone to 30mg a day which is great. That's got to help with kookoo emotions. One minute I'm exhausted, flat out on the couch and the next minute I'm like, "Let's go!" It took me till 3:00 to get motivated but then Trudy and I took a long long walk today, up through Central Park to the Upper West Side. Dawdling around for four hours. Where did that energy come from? Beats me.
I'm a slowish walker, certainly by NY standards and the muscles in my skinny chicken legs are nil. I can do a complete forward bend and lay my upper body on my legs and there is no tension because there are NO muscles! Makes for a great forward bend. Not so great when you're trying to climb the stairs, a hill, or get somewhere quick.
We had our celebration dinner last night. I got a tummy ache in the middle of it, so that wasn't so perfect. So I thought we'd try again today and got some soup and pasta at Isabella's on Columbus Ave. We sat outside under the heat lamps, no kids around. And as I'm eating, I'm realizing, I can't really taste anything, My tastebuds are still really whacked out. I don't really notice it when I cook my own food because I don't expect it to taste all that good anyway. But when you're at a restaurant your standards go way up. You really want to enjoy your meal, right? That's when I realized tonight that everything still tastes bitter, like metal, or like nothing...
Well, my count up calendar today says to watch some Friday Night Lights. I'm going to keep it simple and do exactly what Allison says. If you haven't seen this series, it is so good. I like football but even if you didn't you'd get completely sucked into these characters and relationships.
I know that with this great outcome from the transplant, I need to keep my eye on the goal of healing, resting, relaxing. Listening to my body. Breathing. I keep thinking "can't I go home now?" But I had a lucid moment today-I'm not ready to leave these doctors. I need to be near them still. It's just how I feel. So as hard as waiting out this next 50 days will be, I have a hunch that it's the right thing. Luckily, in one week from now exactly, my kids will be in my arms. This is my fuel...
You'd think I'd be totally elated all the time considering the great news we got. But my emotions are still all over the place. The doctor reduced the prednisone to 30mg a day which is great. That's got to help with kookoo emotions. One minute I'm exhausted, flat out on the couch and the next minute I'm like, "Let's go!" It took me till 3:00 to get motivated but then Trudy and I took a long long walk today, up through Central Park to the Upper West Side. Dawdling around for four hours. Where did that energy come from? Beats me.
I'm a slowish walker, certainly by NY standards and the muscles in my skinny chicken legs are nil. I can do a complete forward bend and lay my upper body on my legs and there is no tension because there are NO muscles! Makes for a great forward bend. Not so great when you're trying to climb the stairs, a hill, or get somewhere quick.
We had our celebration dinner last night. I got a tummy ache in the middle of it, so that wasn't so perfect. So I thought we'd try again today and got some soup and pasta at Isabella's on Columbus Ave. We sat outside under the heat lamps, no kids around. And as I'm eating, I'm realizing, I can't really taste anything, My tastebuds are still really whacked out. I don't really notice it when I cook my own food because I don't expect it to taste all that good anyway. But when you're at a restaurant your standards go way up. You really want to enjoy your meal, right? That's when I realized tonight that everything still tastes bitter, like metal, or like nothing...
Well, my count up calendar today says to watch some Friday Night Lights. I'm going to keep it simple and do exactly what Allison says. If you haven't seen this series, it is so good. I like football but even if you didn't you'd get completely sucked into these characters and relationships.
I know that with this great outcome from the transplant, I need to keep my eye on the goal of healing, resting, relaxing. Listening to my body. Breathing. I keep thinking "can't I go home now?" But I had a lucid moment today-I'm not ready to leave these doctors. I need to be near them still. It's just how I feel. So as hard as waiting out this next 50 days will be, I have a hunch that it's the right thing. Luckily, in one week from now exactly, my kids will be in my arms. This is my fuel...
Friday 9 November 2012
Great Good News
It's good! I"m in remission! Seems most of my cells have converted over to the donor cells. My blood counts are normal and I only have 3% leukemic blast. All of us do have some of those cells. Anything under 5% is normal. After a day of shaking, waiting to talk with Sergio on the phone, I got good news. I'm so relieved I can't keep my eyes open.
love and kisses, Dina
love and kisses, Dina
Thursday 8 November 2012
Health & Care
Feeling good about Obama. Phew. If it's just for the sheer fact that he cares if people are covered for healthcare. That's enough for me. I had my bone marrow biopsy today. Finally. And I felt so lucky to be surrounded by all these smart concerned people at Sloan. Everyone deserves that. Everyone.
Biopsies are never pleasant. Darcy came with me and held my hand and I think she couldn't help but watch a bit. I'm sure it's fascinating. Drawing marrow out of someone's hip while they're laying there awake. I'd probably watch too. And then probably feel sick for the rest of the day...Thanks Darcy.
Preliminary results should be back tomorrow around 5:00pm. I have a conference call set-up with Dr. Giralt and Andy. I can't do those phonecalls by myself at all. Good news/bad news goes right out of my head and I have no idea what anyone has said.
But 'Care' is the operative word here. It's important for me to know what kind of care helps me the best. And to find it, or ask for it. And to also take the concept of taking care of my health for the rest of my life really seriously. To take a really strong interest in my healthcare without feeling selfish about it is different from how I think I've approached it before. There can always be something more important than taking care of yourself. There's always something else you can do instead. But this changed for me as I was reading today that aftercare for a stem-cell transplant lasts your whole life. It is a second chance on life and you want to care for it really well.
Historically, I have a hard time saying to myself "Relax. Eat really well. Rest. Sleep. Walk a mile every day" These are things I should just "do" because I'm a citizen of ME (and I don't mean Maine). My goal is to make this the new normal, without yucky mean pressure, but with love. And love for this transplant. It's a very precious gift. A gem. I wouldn't just let it lie around getting dusty.
I'm clearly not the only one who thinks of this as a foreign concept. Half the United States can't get on board with offering healthcare to its fellow citizens, or even themselves! As though it's not something you should just have because you're a person, a citizen, pay taxes or are sick.
One more prayer request for the good results of the biopsy. It's being checked in the lab right now. God bless it. and all of us.
Lots of love and care!
Dina
Biopsies are never pleasant. Darcy came with me and held my hand and I think she couldn't help but watch a bit. I'm sure it's fascinating. Drawing marrow out of someone's hip while they're laying there awake. I'd probably watch too. And then probably feel sick for the rest of the day...Thanks Darcy.
Preliminary results should be back tomorrow around 5:00pm. I have a conference call set-up with Dr. Giralt and Andy. I can't do those phonecalls by myself at all. Good news/bad news goes right out of my head and I have no idea what anyone has said.
But 'Care' is the operative word here. It's important for me to know what kind of care helps me the best. And to find it, or ask for it. And to also take the concept of taking care of my health for the rest of my life really seriously. To take a really strong interest in my healthcare without feeling selfish about it is different from how I think I've approached it before. There can always be something more important than taking care of yourself. There's always something else you can do instead. But this changed for me as I was reading today that aftercare for a stem-cell transplant lasts your whole life. It is a second chance on life and you want to care for it really well.
Historically, I have a hard time saying to myself "Relax. Eat really well. Rest. Sleep. Walk a mile every day" These are things I should just "do" because I'm a citizen of ME (and I don't mean Maine). My goal is to make this the new normal, without yucky mean pressure, but with love. And love for this transplant. It's a very precious gift. A gem. I wouldn't just let it lie around getting dusty.
I'm clearly not the only one who thinks of this as a foreign concept. Half the United States can't get on board with offering healthcare to its fellow citizens, or even themselves! As though it's not something you should just have because you're a person, a citizen, pay taxes or are sick.
One more prayer request for the good results of the biopsy. It's being checked in the lab right now. God bless it. and all of us.
Lots of love and care!
Dina
Monday 5 November 2012
Silent Through the Storm
What a long hard week for so many people in this area. Serious hardship. I feel in many ways I've just been holding my breath while things get fixed from the hurricane. And although NY has done an amazing job getting the city going again, so many people continue on homeless and there's a big cold storm on it's way in here on Wednesday. Worries me for sure.
And then, of course, there's election day tomorrow! I feel like Obama's going to win, I really do. He just has to. But even if he does, it still worries and shocks me so much how far Romney came in the poles. I can't for a minute understand how citizens of this free and outstanding country would consider for a minute jeopardizing women's rights to have control over her own body. Throwing our daughters to the wolves. I can't stand it. I feel so strongly about protecting women and children. They are the poorest people in this country. So many without health insurance, or housing. How could making decisions about what they do with their bodies if they get raped possibly be any politician's first line of business?
I think recovering from my transplant has taught me again that I am a worrier. Especially when I feel I don't have much control over something. It's part of the reason I moved out of Hope Lodge. I think it's an amazing place. But just not for me. There is for sure a camaraderie there because every other person is dealing with having cancer, but for me, it became more people to worry about and be sad about. I'm going through a moment here where I really hate cancer. I just want to punch it in the face. And the more people I meet who have to deal with it, the more I want to punch it in the face. So, moving out into a regular apartment in the regular world has been good for me. I think it will be good for my recovery.
A lot of recovery for me has been dealing with my thoughts about it. This is an unusual recovery in that although it's mostly incremental, you can easily have twisty turny awful days after you've had a great day. So, I get frustrated and will then somehow blame myself for not doing it right. Not very healing. And then I'll get mad at myself for doing that because it's not very healing. Then I'm in this merry-go-round tizzy because of my roller coaster recovery. Then I either call Andy and cry (poor guy) or take an Attivan, or both.
But this is the whole reason why, years ago, I fell in love with yoga. Yoga helped me move out of the worry zone and understand a little bit how to be in the moment. And I started doing yoga in 1985! So this is not new news. What to do with my thoughts when they're being unhelpful. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to being able to do yoga again, I mean on the mat, on the floor (as long as it's a really clean floor). But right now even just twisting while I'm sitting on the couch clears my mind so much more than staring into my thoughts and trying to have victory over them. There's no way I can win that one. Although Leslie had a great piece of advice for me to just tell these nerve-racking thoughts, "Not right now". Sort of putting them off without dis-ing them completely. Pretty tricky but it works well for me right now.
So on Thursday, I will finally have the bone marrow biopsy. The results of which of course have me nervous. Dr. Giralt told me I am in remission and does not seem concerned at all. He thinks I'm doing great. So between his encouragement and my worries, I think it's all canceled each other out and I'm just going to not think. At least "Not right now...:
And then, of course, there's election day tomorrow! I feel like Obama's going to win, I really do. He just has to. But even if he does, it still worries and shocks me so much how far Romney came in the poles. I can't for a minute understand how citizens of this free and outstanding country would consider for a minute jeopardizing women's rights to have control over her own body. Throwing our daughters to the wolves. I can't stand it. I feel so strongly about protecting women and children. They are the poorest people in this country. So many without health insurance, or housing. How could making decisions about what they do with their bodies if they get raped possibly be any politician's first line of business?
I think recovering from my transplant has taught me again that I am a worrier. Especially when I feel I don't have much control over something. It's part of the reason I moved out of Hope Lodge. I think it's an amazing place. But just not for me. There is for sure a camaraderie there because every other person is dealing with having cancer, but for me, it became more people to worry about and be sad about. I'm going through a moment here where I really hate cancer. I just want to punch it in the face. And the more people I meet who have to deal with it, the more I want to punch it in the face. So, moving out into a regular apartment in the regular world has been good for me. I think it will be good for my recovery.
A lot of recovery for me has been dealing with my thoughts about it. This is an unusual recovery in that although it's mostly incremental, you can easily have twisty turny awful days after you've had a great day. So, I get frustrated and will then somehow blame myself for not doing it right. Not very healing. And then I'll get mad at myself for doing that because it's not very healing. Then I'm in this merry-go-round tizzy because of my roller coaster recovery. Then I either call Andy and cry (poor guy) or take an Attivan, or both.
But this is the whole reason why, years ago, I fell in love with yoga. Yoga helped me move out of the worry zone and understand a little bit how to be in the moment. And I started doing yoga in 1985! So this is not new news. What to do with my thoughts when they're being unhelpful. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to being able to do yoga again, I mean on the mat, on the floor (as long as it's a really clean floor). But right now even just twisting while I'm sitting on the couch clears my mind so much more than staring into my thoughts and trying to have victory over them. There's no way I can win that one. Although Leslie had a great piece of advice for me to just tell these nerve-racking thoughts, "Not right now". Sort of putting them off without dis-ing them completely. Pretty tricky but it works well for me right now.
So on Thursday, I will finally have the bone marrow biopsy. The results of which of course have me nervous. Dr. Giralt told me I am in remission and does not seem concerned at all. He thinks I'm doing great. So between his encouragement and my worries, I think it's all canceled each other out and I'm just going to not think. At least "Not right now...:
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