Between Stations

I just had a fun three nights in New York with my Aunt Dee. Our hotel didn't have WIFI so I couldn't really blog. So I tried collecting in my mind bits and thoughts of things I might want to write about. And of course, since I didn't write them down immediately, or at least within 2.5 minutes, then these great thoughts were gone forever and I'm always left thinking, "What was I just thinking?"  Sometimes I'll try to trace my thought-steps back to that brilliant nugget, and sometimes it will still be waiting there for me! 

My brain works very strangely these days. I think it's between stations, playing two songs at once. There's the one song that's playing, "Oh this is such fun! I love Dee! And New York is so awesome!! TraLaLa..!" Maybe it's to the tune of, "I Could Have Danced All Night"  

And then there's the chick bummer music that's playing, "Oh my God I'm having a transplant starting next week and my family is so far away and I miss my kids and Andy and how will I survive this?!  AND I'm having a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow and what are the results going to be? I'm so nervous!!"  I think this is probably accompanied by the music from the movie, Koyaanisqatsi.   Not so melodic...

As we all learn with age and anxiety, we can try to fix the things we can control and let the other stuff go. And, of course, the thing that's easiest to control, and possibly the only real thing we can control, is ourselves. So if I pick the first and most pressing thing on my list, it would be the biopsy, but, I can't control that. But what I can control are the questions that I bring to Dr. Giralt tomorrow in our meeting. He'll for sure want to know if I'm interested in joining his clinical study.

At first, I thought, "Sure! Clinical Trial? Study? No problem! Where do I sign-up?"  I trust trust trust these guys. I really do. And I would love to help them in any way I can. But then I started getting uncomfortable with the idea of being a guinea pig for setting dosage. Yikes. I have no problem donating my body to science, but I just don't want to do it now!

Arpine's sister Lisa emailed me her thoughts on the subject, having worked in the field and being a cancer survivor herself. I do not take her words lightly. She's adamant I look further into this and find out how this would benefit me. These were the preliminary questions she laid out for me:
How is this trial going to benefit me?
Can I get the same or similar benefit w/o being in a trial?
What are the risks associated with participating in this trial?
What dosage am I going to get? 
Is it randomized? 

Will I get the really really high dose? Where they're like, "Yep, that sure was toxic alright..!"

So I'll leave it at that for now. I'm back at Tracy's tonight, sleeping in her daughter's beautiful princess room while hearing the crickets outside. I LOVE sleeping to crickets. It a much better station and better song list than the one in my head...
Sweet Dreams,
Dina