I can hardly keep my eyes open. The drugs they gave me to place this Hickman line in my chest are for sure lingering from 3:00 this afternoon and it's already midnight! Obviously, the smart answer would be to go to sleep. But they're still doing all the admitting type stuff. I'm just waiting for an EKG. They're getting baselines for everything so they can compare if anything changes.
Isaac left this afternoon. He and Tracy hung around with me while I was waiting to get admitted to get the line put in. It was so hard for me to see him go. He had a 7:30 flight this evening and is the bravest kid I've ever met. I kept my cool and didn't go all cry-cry on him. But after he left I cried my eyes out, all the way as they wheeled me into the operating room. The nurses were sweet and said, "Oh, we're going to give you some nice drugs and you're going to feel much better". And I did, besides the fact that I couldn't stop slurring my words.
So now the line is in, with a big ice pack on it. Ouch. But the swelling will go down soon I'm sure. This is my first test to remember that anything painful, uncomfortable or scary while I'm in here is temporary and will pass and I'll get through it. I've had a lot of experience with this and I think it should, I hope, help me to navigate this path more easily.
It was hard to leave Tracy and Larry's house today. They've created such a warm and comfortable home. It's great for hanging out and they have good chairs to cuddle in.
The other day when Dee and I were wandering down Madison Avenue, we went into Ralph Lauren. I love most of his stuff and it's always so fun to go in there and see how he puts things together. He uses the most amazing fabrics; cashmere, silks, feathers, totally soft leathers and suedes. We were just touching everything.
My initial hunch when we walked in was to go to the top floor. The Home Collection. I walked in there and had to catch my breath at the beauty and comfort of these rooms. They were so inviting but also glamorous. I realized how deeply I miss home. My home. I got such a lump in my throat. Plus, on the overheard music system they were playing "Talking With the Wolves" by Glen Hansard, the guy from the movie Once. Andy and I went to see him perform at the Chicago Theater at few years ago. It was all I could do not to climb into one of those beautiful Ralph Lauren beds and cry. I felt this great resolve come over me to get back to my home as soon as conceivably possible.
In the meantime I will do my best to make hospital room number 829 a home. It's a small room and they have me on the waiting list for a bigger one if any come available. I wouldn't care except for that Allison is coming on Monday for a week (blessed I am) and I want her to be as comfy as possible. The bigger rooms apparently have futons in them for guests rather than the pullout chair that she'd have to sleep on in this room.
But honestly, the fact that I am in a room on the transplant floor at Sloan Kettering is amazing. It's a relief, and it's exciting. I've had my eye on this moment for so long. It's hard to believe this is really happening! I'll surely believe it tomorrow when they start the chemo. Good night for now. Enjoy your homes. Sweet dreams to all.
xo
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