Fierce

Up and down. Leslie and I had the nicest day on Saturday. Taking a cab to central park and walking among the beautiful changing leaves. A treasured hour-long walk. Finding Mallards, autumn light, my legs. Being physically weak is shocking to me every day. And the recovery seems roller coaster-y, not progressive. Yesterday, in fact, I felt so sick with what was just heartburn but I was completely convinced I was having a crushing heart attack. We came to the Urgent Care at Sloan. No heart attack. But we all decided I should stay over for observation and I think it was a relief for all that I'd be here at Sloan during hurricane Sandy and not at Hope Lodge with Leslie being worried and my anxiety out the roof. It's so hard to be vulnerable. All I can remember saying to Leslie is "do we have enough water?". Over and over.

Hope Lodge: I've only been there two nights. It's very hard to make any comments. A bit dorm, a bit hotel (kinda) and a bit sad.  That's only becuase seeing people with cancer makes me sad. I can't help it. It just does. It's a sucky scary thing and I hate it. Hope lodge seems to do a great job with events and different spaces to hang out in. I'm not sure I can stay the whole time there. You need to have a companion with you every night and it's such a tall order for all my friends here. Andy is looking into alternatives for me. 
I never could've banked on how hard post-transplant would be. On every level. I did see people at Hope Lodge , post-transplant, that looked like they felt just as crappy as I do. I'm not sure I find that sort of thing reassuring.  Just makes me feel sad for everybody, and all their families and friends. 

But on the good note, I did not have a heart attack! And my blood counts look good. And Dr. Giralt has rescheduled my bone marrow biopsy for Wednesday. 
I've lost track of what day this is. Need to get back to my calendar! 
Right now I'm looking out the window as Sandy slowly creeps in. I wish everyone safety tonight as nature reminds us of her fierceness. Fierce. It's something we all need to be at times.