COPING--- Friday October 12, 2010

People coping is such a fascinating subject isn't it? What we do to get through. I was so proud of Isaac today because he knew he had a few hours where he'd be alone and sad after school, so he saw ahead and planned himself a playdate. My relief!!! My kid knows how to self soothe in this really planned mature way! The other day he sent me an email that made me and the Prednedsone spin off into the hugest late-nite cry-cry session in a long time. It was about his sadness. And he was able to express it. I won't print it, but I'll print my response:

"My love, I'm so sorry, I feel like I lost being in good touch with you last week. I had my transplant and it was harder than I thought it would be. But ultimately it did go well and I feel I'm getting better now and they're hoping to move me out of the ICU tonight.

I want you to know how much I love you. I know you know, but no one ever expects love to hurt or ever be painful, but oddly enough it is sometimes. It's NFF. (Not f---ing Fair).
Please know you are never alone in this. Even though I'm in NY, I love you the same way as everyday. And dont forget that that is MAMA LOVE and that ain't no joke!

And thank you sweetheart because You're so brave and supportive even when I bet you just feel like screaming some days! You're visits here have been so special, fun, cuddly. You're amazing. I'm so blessed Isaac.

I will be home as SOON as they say Yes. Please always call/FaceTime/write and don't stop till you get me. Sometimes I could be asleep but that's me just healing up and being a bit tired from the transplant.
Don't Forget, I'm always always yours,
Mama Friend. "

It might have been much, but for some coping reason I needed to spread it thick. I wanted to. Everyword the truth...



I know I still had anxiety about the whole transplant. It was helpful when the doctor said " You killed the tiger! Now don't be afraid of it's skin!" He was right. 

So, I think I went to ICU somewhere around day 12 and they let me out yesterday Day 20. I know Andy came and went. It was so hard to have him go. I don't even think he saw me at my worst, but as I got better, I could see the imploring in his eys. I am doing this for the future of our family and he believes in that and knows it so firmly. It gave me an extra kick in the hospital gown I needed that day. 

My hunch is that part of the reason they finally let me out was because I stopped shaking nurses and instead would copiously thank them for taking care of me. And I was begining to tell all the doctors how sure I was that their mothers were proud of them...the was for sure my usual M.O.  My usual way of coping...



Here are the The Sweet Sayings so far from the Count Up Calandar of 100 days. Maybe it should be called the Coping Calandar of 100 Days...

September 30, Day+9:  Cherish This Morning

October 1, Day +10: Elbows With Butter and Salt

October 2, Day +11: Rock On

October 3, Day +12: Power House

October 4, Day +13: Breezes on the Water

October 5, Day +14: Laugh Today

October 6, Day +15: Smooch

October 7, Day +16: :-)

October 8, Day +17: Love Yourself

October 9, Day +18: Love Conquers All

October 10, Day +19: Count Your Lucky Stars

October 11, Day +20: BELIEVE

October 12, Day +21: Puppy Breath

October 13, Day +22: You Have 2 Birthdays Now

October 14, Day +23:  Call Your Friends

October 15, Day +24: Laugh at Yourself

October 16, Day +25: Breathe

October 17, Day +26: Have Faith in Yourself