I am so sick of sick. I don't even feel sick! But I've been going to Sloan everyday to get my blood drawn. They look so carefully at the numbers, it's driving me crazy. They say things like, "This is how your disease behaves". My disease? Yuck. No thanks. It's not mine. It's a disease. But it's not like I can take responsibilty for it. It's not as if my dog pooped on the neighbors lawn. "Your dog! You should control your dog..." That actually is true. I should control my dog. And I can also control the way I behave. But, that's about it.
Right now I feel like punching something because my "numbers" are so low, I'm at risk for infection again and so I have to totally lay low. No going to visit Arpinè and Andrew at the beach because it's too far from the hospital. No sitting in the sun cause I'll fry up from the antibiotics I'm on. I'm starting to feel like John Travolta again. All I do is commute to Sloan Kettering everyday. I'm a medical commuter. Yuck! I'm going a bit batty.
My kids start school tomorrow and I'm here and they're there and it's just so wrong! I wish them a great day full of good suprises, while I'm here having positive thoughts and negative thoughts, positive thoughts and negative thoughts. "I'm a healthy person! No, I'm not... There's nothing wrong with me! Yes, there is..." Swirling around and around. I can't even stand the subject anymore. What even is the subject?
What I need is to just stop thinking. I did that for a while and it really helped. I'm going to do that again. I tried some retail therapy today but it didn't have it's typical mesmerizing effect. Maybe I should try retail therapy without thinking. That could be pleasurable... But I did buy a cute new yoga mat today and I look forward to christening that baby tomorrow. I'm just too grouchy today.
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