Human Body Rattled Mind

I've been ignoring writing. It's not good. Writing all this down helps me to remember things and process stuff. I explain stuff to myself to make sure I'm understanding what's going on. I know right now that I feel so much better after leaving the hospital. It's astounding how much more human I physically feel today than I did on Monday before I left. People ask me how I was feeling and the only word I can conjure is "stunned".  

I've had that feeling. I know it wears off, but when I'm in the middle of it, it seems eternal.  I just feel so thankful yet also sorry for my body that has to endure all this insanity. In fact, today really started off as pity party. I saw Dr. Giralt today and he said, "Wow! you look great! I was expecting you to look like crap!" (I think somewhere in there was a compliment?)

Dr. Giralt informed us today that the donor agency can not do the week he was hoping to book. The transplant will be the following week. So, that means something like, preparing for transplant starting Sept 13th and then getting the cells some time the week of the 17th.  He's also having them work up the FOURTH donor just in case something goes wonky with Number 3! Of course all this completely freaked me out. I cried hard. All these detours on the path of getting a transplant has me so unnerved. I just don't want to know anything that's off schedule, any change of plan, or anything. But of course life is life. Curve balls happen. A lot.

They somehow managed to completely calm me down. They handed me a little box of tissues, and were very sweet. They were happy I'm in good health (well except for leukemia I guess) and that there is even a fourth doner to work up. Just in case...

Then I saw Marty and his team. I asked him the million questions I have about transplant that I've already asked him a million times before. I just can't seem to retain the answers. "How tough is the chemo?" "How long is the hospital stay?" I know transplant is my only choice. In fact, it's not even a choice. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared.


But I did get past today, which included doing my blood work which I was really nervous about. It will tell Marty a lot about how this round of chemo went. I hope it comes out very well. Marty knows what's he's doing.