It's Tough Being Tough

I want to go and be with my boys so badly. Not here. Not in a hospital. It's starting to get me down. A whole hospital filled with cancer patients. My God what a tragedy.  It's sad. All ages, races, some fit, some fat.  There's no reasons.  There are so many websites saying do this, do that, so you don't get cancer. I guess, yeah, of course, don't smoke a pack a day, but beyond that, it just seems random who gets it and who doesn't.  I have a roomate again and she just seems to be in pain, taking a lot of morphine, and it's just so sad. I haven't even been able to bring myself to ask her about her illness. I know she's a mom and has five sisters. The rest, I just can't ask anyone anymore. 

It's an arduous disease.  The diagnosis scares the hell out of you. The treatment really taxes your body.  The fears tax your mind.  I know we all like to be strong and think we're tough.  But for cancer, you have to be stronger than that still.  I look at my body, and my skin is so dry, even wth gobs of lotion. I live on antibiotics.  And I'm sure my hair will come out again, so that's always a mental and fashion challenge.  And I get exercise here by walking the halls. Fourteen times around is one mile, by the way. 

I emailed Marty today and said all I want to do is cuddle with my kids and lie on a blanket in the shade. His answer, "Have a bit more patience and you'll be rewarded in the end".  So I found a tiny bit more patience in my soul and enjoyed the guys this evening. We ordered Italian. Ari wants to know who the boss is here. So he can talk to them about the whole kid visiting problem. Maybe he can get that cleared up once and for all. 

I'm stressing that they're leaving next saturday. I don't know how I'll be. From then it's about two weeks to transplant and then four weeks in the hospital. That will be at least six weeks without seeing Ari. That's a long time. For him and for me. Isaac wants to come for the transplant. Maybe he'll come on his own and be with me. He is so brave and mature and supportive. Just a really nice person.  I'm proud of those boys and really impressed how Andy is being super Dad right now.  He invited Ari to go night swimming tonight. But my hunch is that Ari fell asleep in the car.