A visit

I went to see a dear friend and her family today at the hospital. Her father is there with complications from cancer. He's actually been really kickass the last year, fighting it like crazy. Survived a really complicated abdominal surgery and nasty old chemo. Doing well. And then earlier this week he had a apple Danish and his stomach went kaplooy on him. Very mysterious. Just stopped working. And they're trying to figure it out. Meanwhile he hasn't eaten in 10 days. He's 81.
I actually loved seeing him and im so sorry he's going through this. i know him since I'm 12. And his family. So dedicated. They all came in to NY because they thought maybe this was "it". But it's definitely not it. I could take one look at him and I felt like he's not going anywhere. Because there are things they can do and many glimmers of hope, he'll keep on.

You know, we complain about life, but as soon as it gets threatened, we're like "no f-ing way".  I actually think it's probably really hard to die. We fight tooth and nail against it. We're fragile, but we're strong too. No one gives up easily. I'll bet that once it is your time to move on it's probably hard to do with some grace. I think It's impossible to fight cancer and prepare for death at the same time. Just impossible. Didn't Einstein say you can't simultaneously prepare for and prevent war? I love that.
And it's similar. Cancer sucks but it turns you into a fighter. Find mr one person who's died of cancer and didn't fight their ass off...

I know I just went through a big big fight. A giant event in my life. I'm here because of fight, brilliant science and luck. People have been telling me how bad it was because I think now that we're pretty safely on the other side, about 70 days out, everyone's starting to process what the hell just happened. Seems like that chemo damn near killed me. But at the time I was completely unaware of that. And I continue to have NO memory of it. It's a gift I think. I believe that I didn't think at any time that I might die. I know I was bummed, and cried a lot, and felt guilty to put everyone through this craziness.  I was completely dependent on my friends and family who always bolstered me, protected me and helped me heal.  THAT I remember...

So tonight I wish my friend's father a bit of  peaceful rest (yeah right). And strength to keep his eye on the glimmers of hope that exist for him. Gotta go for the glimmers...