LimboLand

Just woke up! It's midnight and I'm starving and just had some eggplant parmasen. Today had  the wackiest bouts of gains and losses in energy. Up early, did some errands. Took a Benedryl for my rashy face and had lunch with Arpine. Then came home, and took a nap. Got up and started cleaning and unpacking and totally lost energy again and took a nap and just woke up!  And I feel like I could probably go to sleep again.

I sorta went with the flow today, which is a good thing, because when I go home, mommies don't really get to go with the flow. Not their own flow anyway. Not when your kids are little. This is my first "go with the flow" in 12 years.  So, I'm really trying to take advantage of it. But it feels weird.
What will it be like to go back to full-time mommy again? Will my kids take me seriously? I actually feel like I'm going to have to regain some authority. I've started reading parenting books again...

So, about the rashy face. Giralt says it's a good thing. He's pretty sure it's Graft vs Host Disease. (GVHD). This is something you want a little of after a transplant. It's the new cells attacking my cells, seeing my skin at foreign. That means that they are fighters and they would attack any Leukemia if it were there (but it isn't, so that's good too).  Too much GVHD is a bummer because it could really attack, like your organs, and really make you sick. But luckily I seem to have this controlable amount, and most people think I just have these rosy cheeks...

So, in a way, I'm waiting to see how the GVHD pans out, waiting to see how my lack of authority at home pans out and just plainly waiting to go home. I wish I could take all my friends here home with me. Leaving them will be hard. It all feels like Limbo Land. But... in reality, is it? Not when you take each day at a time, right? I'm pretty much forced to do that here arent I? Am I going to spend these precious days, that everyone says I fought so hard for, worrying about these things? Probably. But I'm going to try really hard to just stay in the moment.  Give myself gentle reminders about it. Just doing what I'm doing right now and breathing. Oh yeah, breathing. I forgot about that.  Good reminder...