Silent Through the Storm

What a long hard week for so many people in this area. Serious hardship. I feel in many ways I've just been holding my breath while things get fixed from the hurricane. And although NY has done an amazing job getting the city going again, so many people continue on homeless and there's a big cold storm on it's way in here on Wednesday.  Worries me for sure.
And then, of course, there's election day tomorrow!  I feel like Obama's going to win, I really do. He just has to. But even if he does, it still worries and shocks me so much how far Romney came in the poles. I can't for a minute understand how citizens of this free and outstanding country would consider for a minute jeopardizing women's rights to have control over her own body.  Throwing our daughters to the wolves.  I can't stand it.  I feel so strongly about protecting women and children. They are the poorest people in this country.  So many without health insurance, or housing. How could making decisions about what they do with their bodies if they get raped possibly be any politician's first line of business?

I think recovering from my transplant has taught me again that I am a worrier. Especially when I feel I don't have much control over something. It's part of the reason I moved out of Hope Lodge.  I think it's an amazing place. But just not for me. There is for sure a camaraderie there because every other person is dealing with having cancer, but for me, it became more people to worry about and be sad about.  I'm going through a moment here where I really hate cancer. I just want to punch it in the face. And the more people I meet who have to deal with it, the more I want to punch it in the face. So, moving out into a regular apartment in the regular world has been good for me. I think it will be good for my recovery.

A lot of recovery for me has been dealing with my thoughts about it. This is an unusual recovery in that although it's mostly incremental, you can easily have twisty turny awful days after you've had a great day. So, I get frustrated and will then somehow blame myself for not doing it right. Not very healing.  And then I'll get mad at myself for doing that because it's not very healing. Then I'm in this merry-go-round tizzy because of my roller coaster recovery.  Then I either call Andy and cry (poor guy) or take an Attivan, or both.

But this is the whole reason why, years ago,  I fell in love with yoga. Yoga helped me move out of the worry zone and understand a little bit how to be in the moment. And I started doing yoga in 1985! So this is not new news. What to do with my thoughts when they're being unhelpful.  I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to being able to do yoga again, I mean on the mat, on the floor (as long as it's a really clean floor). But right now even just twisting while I'm sitting on the couch clears my mind so much more than staring into my thoughts and trying to have victory over them.  There's no way I can win that one. Although Leslie had a great piece of advice for me to just tell these nerve-racking thoughts, "Not right now".  Sort of putting them off without dis-ing them completely. Pretty tricky but it works well for me right now.

So on Thursday, I will finally have the bone marrow biopsy. The results of which of course have me nervous. Dr. Giralt told me I am in remission and does not seem concerned at all. He thinks I'm doing great. So between his encouragement and my worries, I think it's all canceled each other out and I'm just going to not think. At least "Not right now...: