Day 51

I'm a bit dumb-founded I think. It's hard to describe. I couldn't sleep last night. Wanted to try to do it without any sleep aids and ended up awake all night. I figured I could try to sleep on my own because the most anxiety-ridden weights have been taken off my shoulders. But I still bounced around the bed feeling all anxious. I took an Attivan at 8:15 this morning and slept for three hours then. Once again I find myself on California time :-)

You'd think I'd be totally elated all the time considering the great news we got. But my emotions are still all over the place.  The doctor reduced the prednisone to 30mg a day which is great. That's got to help with kookoo emotions.  One minute I'm exhausted, flat out on the couch and the next minute I'm like, "Let's go!"  It took me till 3:00 to get motivated but then Trudy and I took a long long walk today, up through Central Park to the Upper West Side. Dawdling around for four hours. Where did that energy come from? Beats me.

I'm a slowish walker, certainly by NY standards and the muscles in my skinny chicken legs are nil.  I can do a complete forward bend and lay my upper body on my legs and there is no tension because there are NO muscles! Makes for a great forward bend.  Not so great when you're trying to climb the stairs, a hill, or get somewhere quick.

We had our celebration dinner last night. I got a tummy ache in the middle of it, so that wasn't so perfect. So I thought we'd try again today and got some soup and pasta at Isabella's on Columbus Ave. We sat outside under the heat lamps, no kids around. And as I'm eating, I'm realizing, I can't really taste anything, My tastebuds are still really whacked out.  I don't really notice it when I cook my own food because I don't expect it to taste all that good anyway. But when you're at a restaurant your standards go way up. You really want to enjoy your meal, right?  That's when I realized tonight that everything still tastes bitter, like metal, or like nothing...

Well, my count up calendar today says to watch some Friday Night Lights. I'm going to keep it simple and do exactly what Allison says. If you haven't seen this series, it is so good.  I like football but even if you didn't you'd get completely sucked into these characters and relationships.

I know that with this great outcome from the transplant, I need to keep my eye on the goal of healing, resting, relaxing. Listening to my body. Breathing. I keep thinking "can't I go home now?"  But I had a lucid moment today-I'm not ready to leave these doctors. I need to be near them still. It's just how I feel. So as hard as waiting out this next 50 days will be, I have a hunch that it's the right thing.  Luckily, in one week from now exactly, my kids will be in my arms.  This is my fuel...