Optimisms Ups and Downs

Kaethe arrived today from Colorado. Thank you, God. A childhood gem. She raised me and has coached me and kept me in line through every inch of my life. She's a bottomless vessel of compassion and good sense. We had a really hard cry about how horrible things are, and all of a sudden I felt better. 

What is optimism, pessimism, feelings, emotions? They fleet.  It's just absolutely impossible to stay one or the other. It's clear these things are just meant to be watched, listened to, validated. But they're just not meant to be permanent. And this is a good thing. It would be impossible to be elated all the time. It would ultimately lose meaning and become torturous. And it would be impossible to be depressed all the time. You would learn nothing from it and it would kill you.

I went to a Buddhist Psychotherapist yesterday.  I sat with him for a bit in meditation. Then I had to go puke in his bathroom.  This medicine is so intense. He was very nice. Very clear energy. He has this massage table in his office and  I asked what it was for?  He said he also does Cranial Sacral therapy.  I asked him about it and he said it was relaxing. And that sounded good to me.  I asked if I could lay on his table and if he would just put his hand on my heart? He did. And I cried a bit. 

My heart has been literally hurting with heartbreak. I totally get it now, why they call it heartbreak.  I've been trying to heal it. Kisses from Andy, touches from friends, holding the dog. I'll take it all.  As much love as I can get. 

Today was my last shot of Azacytadine for this round. Now it's 18 days off.  I asked Marty for an optimistic email that I can read over and over. He wrote me this: 
"Hi Dina. Hang in there! Let's see how the Aza does. We've had good experience with it. We have a plan! M"  

I've read it about 100 times already today. Marty is the definition of a Mensch.
Mensch Definition: (Yiddish) means a decent, upright, mature and responsible person.