Massive In-Pouring of Love

My Goodness. Thank you so much. Your calls and emails have been unbelievable. Sweet, funny, poignant, charming, uplifting. I'm a high maintenance girl right now and your support has really made me feel not alone. 

I still have Susanne here with me, thank God and we've spent a few days talking about God and Faith. We tried church with my lovely friend Evadney and I had this sweet lady named Susie pray over me. Then my friend Edie came and prayed too. I love prayers. They feel so nice. I have a stack of spiritual books that reaches up to Heaven.  Buddhist books. Yogic books.  Jewish books.  I visualize my body filled with light and I watch my breath flow in and out. It's all helpful. And then watch my thoughts go wackywingo all over again, and it's back to the beginning.

We spent yesterday waiting to hear back from the doctor in NY. He says he's working on something for me and wants to have a phone call on Wednesday. Waiting is hard. 

I spoke with a very supportive Leukemia survivor yesterday named Ibby. She had a transplant four years ago when she was not in remission. They did this at Dana Farber in Boston. She is doing amazingly well. Beautifully.  She is by far the most enlightened 30-year-old, ever.

This is what I worry about today: Some kind of big harrowing horrible decision to make. Something like, do I go to Sloan Kettering where I know they'll want to do more chemo to lead to a transplant, or to Dana Farber where they'll maybe just go straight to transplant? What if the chemo at Sloan doesn't work and I'm worse off? Or maybe it will work and then I get to do a transplant while in remission? This is crazy-making stuff.  But today I don't really have enough info. Just enough to freak myself out. 

But the goal for me is still a transplant. My donor is still on hold ( I LOVE YOU DONOR!!!!!). And I LIVE one moment at a time. I AM STILL HERE! STILL KICKING.  

I know spiritually there is a lot of discussion about attachment. And I know that attachment brings fear. Fear of losing what you love most. But I also have to say that what I love and what I'm attached to is why I fight. It's why I will never take no for an answer despite the wretched prognosis. This love is what I live for. As it says in Corinthians:
But now remains

faith, hope, love,

these three;

but the greatest of these is love.

Here's a link to one of my favorite Joni Mitchell songs, LOVE. Have a listen, it's beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlzIRXzcjY8


And as always, I love you,
Dina