Write and Wrong

Wow. It is really hard to blog when you have the wrong attitude. I just haven't been able to do it since mid-December!  With two failed donor attempts, I've just had the wind taken out of my sails.  Up until this, I think I've had a really good attitude. Such gratitude for every day, everything.  And now, I can't say I have a BAD attitude, but just that I have ATTITUDE. Like I just want to put my hand on my hip, snap my gum and say things like, "Whatevs".  I guess I could have blogged these last few weeks about how CRANKY I've been, but this blog isn't a diary or therapy. But let it be known that when you're waiting for a bone marrow transplant and things just aren't going your way, it can suck. And I guess it mostly sucks because I had to do this interim round of chemo! My goodness am I sick of chemo. Holy crow. Eight rounds! Sometimes I look in the mirror and I can not believe I have survived this! My poor body!

I think this is the first time I've blogged from the hospital.  Yesterday was interesting. I checked myself in, and then out, and then in again. Yup. I think I'm startin' to look a little crazy. Not the sweet patient I've been all along here in London. I did a week of chemo last week while my magical friend Jenny Taylor visited from LA. We came and went from the hospital twice a day for five days. Exhausting. But so much better than staying in.  And of course, this afforded us the ability to eat everything in London. French, Indian, Italian, Juicy Lucy's.  And it also allowed us to take my kids to the movies.  By the way, "Puss 'n Boots" is much better than "Alvin and the Chipmunks, Chipwrecked..."

Jenny went home and my blood counts went down as they should.  Doctors were like, "you better stay in the hospital...if you spike a fever...you could become septic...".   Eeek. So I stayed.  But I felt so fine and I was SO bored! Pissy! Lonely! That I signed "the document". The one that says that I'm checking myself out and going home against doctors' orders.  THAT felt good.

So then I go home yesterday morning, and spend a lovely day with my lovely family and then start to feel kinda sick.  With a cough and a few chills. I get out my trusty Boots (the CVS of London) digital thermometer, (that I paid 40 pounds for!!!) and it is allllll over the place. In 5 minutes I go from 36.6 to 38.1 to 37.7 to 36.6.  I'm trying to remember the Celcius to  Fahrenheit calculation, getting all confused and flustered. Because it's true, if your immune system is knocked out, you don't want a fever.  So, freaked out a 2:30 in the morning I make Andy take me back to the hospital. I check myself in. They take my temperature and, it's normal. Aaaaahhhhh! Back to being CRANKY.

Nothing feels better than getting a visit from my boys. They came tonight and it cheered me up so completely, so totally.  And so I will stay in here and flow into 2012 watching the fireworks at the London Eye from a hospital window. Whatevs...