The kindness first. As my transplant has been postponed, at first I didn't even know what to do with my feelings. I couldn't even write about it because it was like a blank. Don't feel, can't write...
Then everyone around me helped me feel again. Friends would approach me with tears in their eyes from frustration at my having to wait, do an interim round of chemotherapy, be in the hospital for Hanuka and Christmas... One couple, Lisa and Mario, the parents of a boy in Ari's class made the incredibly beautiful gesture of offering me their children's banked cord blood! How nice is that? It makes me cry every time I think of it. It's hard to feel completely deflated when so many people have got your back. I'm so lucky that why.
But, that said, deflated is the best way to describe it. I also have been feeling PISSED OFF! Not at any person in any way. But just at the situation. It just flat out sucks. Another round of chemo to me sounds so horrible. I can't imagine doing it! But the doctors' concern about leaving me untreated until February actually outweighs my feisty nature to say screw it, I'll take the chance and skip the chemo. I just can't do it. I've got to listen to the doctors. yuck.
I also feel SO BADLY for my family. They are my angels and I hate leaving them to go into the hospital. We're so close. Such a team. I love being on their team. But I've got to go sit on the bench right now. But unlike baseball, it means we all sit on the bench together. They are so kind. We're just waiting. Waiting for the time when mommy can hit her home run.
No comments:
Post a Comment