And this one is to all of us. To everyone who helped me to see this transplant through. My family, my friends, acquaintences. My doctors and my donor. Old friends, very old friends and new friends. Spanning two continents. And including encouraging prayers from possibly all the continents (except, I'm pretty sure, Antartica). I'm a very lucky girl and an extremely happy citizen of this planet. I have a giant smile on my face most of the time and I have enough energy to have a pretty good spring in my step.
I must say, I feel different. I have had the unusual pleasure in this lifetime to understand what it is to be happy without having to try. I'm thrilled because it frees me up to think more easily about other things. It also just frees me up to just enjoy the moment. Whatever that might be. Walking the pup (in the rain). Joining first grade on a school trip. Chopping bell peppers. Planning a Bar Mitzvah. I think, in fact, I might sometimes be annoying. Isaac was hungry and aggrivated watching Ari play soccer the other day, and I just let him complain while I'll continured on my conversations next to the football pitch on a partly cloudy sunday morning. And then he just screamed at me, "I'm not like you! You're always so damn happy!" He's right. I guess that's got to get old. But not for me...
I sent my lovely donor a happy birthday letter. I still haven't heard from her. And at risk of being annoying, I think I'll always continue to write her. She saved a life and a family. I just can't leave it alone. Unless one day she asks me too. (Hope not).
I registered yesterday to become an Immerman Angel. This was the organization in Chicago that helped me so much when I first was diagnosed. I was so angst ridden about what decisions to make that I interviewed about twenty people who had had AML. Ten who had chosen to do chemo and ten who had chosen transplant. It was so good to speak to people who were alive and well and happy with their choices. In the end I came out just as confused, but I think the real benefit was that I reached out. It was incredibly comforting. Well, they were all Immerman Angels, and the organiztion hooked me up with them. So, now, I'm on their list and might one day, have the priveledge of returning the favor.
It was a little freaky regisitering for them. I had to write down my entire medical story. I had to go back in to my papers and figure out all the different types of chemotherapy I did. How many times. What the outcomes were, etc. If I calculated correctly, I did 12 rounds of chemo that put me in the hospital for about 30 days each. Over a period of almost four years, collectively, I was in the hospital for a year. And in that time I had about nine different types of chemo. As I was calculating this I was starting to feel really toxic, and freaked out. Almost like it was too soon for me to be looking at this. But this didn't really dawn on me until I had almost completed the questionaire. So I just moved through it and hit send. Because more important to me was to hopefully set myself up so that maybe I can help someone else one day. And hopefully this is just a beginning.
So, Happy Birthday again. We're going to the countryside tomorrow for one night at a nice hotel, with the kids and the dog. We're going to romp around in the woods. Swim in a heated pool, Have a picnic. AND it's supposed to be sunny. All I wanted to do for this birthday was to be with my family and be in nature. A human on a planet. Lucky me.
And thank you again. And again.
Love,
Dina
No comments:
Post a Comment