Sunk in the Funk But Screw the Blues.

I can't seem to keep my head from spinning and spinning and spinning.  I haven't been able to scrape two coherent words together. I've been in a bluesy funk. But I am going to put that aside for now.

I once had a therapist when we lived in New York City. Barry Magid. He's pretty well known for integrating a rigorous Zen practice with psychoanalysis.  He's the only teacher I ever did an 8-hour meditation with. To this day I still feel very proud, (haha, not exactly Buddhist, is that ?) Anyway, when I would come in for my weekly therapy sessions, he would often consider my issues and then respond, "So what?"  In fact, to most everything, that would be his response. I'd prattle on, blah de blah, "It's not fair", "Yeah but" and again, he'd respond, "Yes, but, so what?"  And after a while I started to see it. It's the truth.   Whatever it is, life still moves on, goes on, clocks tick. They just do. Everything that happened in the past, and might happen in the future...so what?

The attitude of "It's not fair" insinuates we can stop time, work out the injustice, win the point, and then plug the clock back in.  But it doesn't work like that. In fact, "fair" is a pretty made-up human concept. Isn't it? My kids use it a lot. "Mom! It's not fair!"  Do kids all over the world say it? Is there an innate, genetic concept that things should be fair? Or did I teach my kids this?  Maybe it is from sports? But there isn't always a referee hanging around in life calling a time out and deciding what's fair and what isn't. That's why sports are fun. They are an escape into a world that is "fair".

One thing I've learned through this cancer journey is that "fair" is just a concept. Everybody has a story. Everyone is in some way, is touched by illness, or craziness, or sadness or loss or lack of fairness. And what do you do? Stop the clock and have a fit? (That would actually be great because then you wouldn't have to waste your precious time having a fit). I always find that when I'm in a funk like this, pushing through and helping someone else makes me feel better. Or, going to see some art.

Art is so cool because it's all done by people who have taken a chance. They put their hearts out there in the quest to show how they see the world. And even though it's risky, they say "So what?".  I have a lot of respect for that.  And anytime one person helps another, they can say, "Yeah, we all have our stuff, myself included, but, so what?" I love that!

So, tonight I'm going to screw the blues. Yes, I'm waiting for a match.  Yes, I'm scared of CMV. SO WHAT?

My friend Elizabeth changes her life soundtrack when she's not loving her mood. It really works. Just put on some different music et voila! New mood!  I know a yoga teacher who changes her mood by doing a headstand.  I call it "Do-able miracle-making".

I'm going to create a great bone marrow transplant playlist of music to welcome those new cells into my body so they can make a fabulous healthy new bone marrow for me.

Right now these Carole King lines are on my mind:
"Snow I cold, rain is wet
Chills my soul right to the marrow
I won't be happy till I see you alone again,
'Til I'm home again and feeling right"

And by the way, Happy Birthday to my father who is 90 today. Maybe that should be the first song on my playlist. The Happy Birthday song.