Pissed Off

It is so much easier to blog, (or even talk, for that matter) when there are good things to write and say. But I promised this blog to myself, as a way to document or share, this process of getting cured of Leukemia. It's a nasty nasty disease, and it won't seem to go away. This last round of chemo did not do the trick. So I can not go to transplant yet.  Ethically they will not do a transplant here unless someone is in full remission. So I am going back to the hospital on Thursday to start another round of chemotherapy that will likely keep me there for another month. For someone who powers-up from sunshine and flowers, this is truly hard to stomach.

This new round has two entirely new drugs in it. One is an anti-body that the doctor feels positive will target my type of leukemic cells. They haven't done it earlier because it can be hard on the liver and their motto is "least harm".  But in my case now, the benefits of this anti-body drug out-weigh the risks. The doctor said I should not feel any worse than during any other round I've completed.

If anyone out there is reading this, please know that I feel perfectly well. I have never felt badly from leukemia, only chemotherapy. But for the record, I am not Wonder Woman at all. I am really sad these past few days. Getting these imperfect biopsy results sucked. Sad and broken-hearted is the best way to describe how I feel. All I can think about are my kids and my poor husband. I used to dislike the term "battling cancer".  I'm not a huge fighter type and I preferred to think of it as "releasing cancer".  I just had to "let it go". "Clear out". But this has turned into an indescribable battle, because cancer is a freaking tenacious bitch.  This is no doubt a fight. A war. And I'm still planning on winning.

I resent how much focus cancer has now won from me. It used to be more of a side job, but now it has become a full-time job, and I'm pissed. Really pissed off.  Dreams of beating cancer have taken a seat in front of all my other dreams.  Must this define me for me to beat it?  Do "I" have anything to do with it?  What power do I really have? I only know that I have power over how I behave and how I think. If I can really own that, then I know I can always be proud of myself, as a mother, a wife, a friend. So, although this week is filled with tears for me, I know that this is not all that I am. I know that I will find strength from new places. I'm just not sure what they are yet.